Severus Snape Presents: The Joy Of Cooking
by Chiwizard
Summary: Completely preHBP...an unfortunate 'accident' causes all Potions Classes to be temporarily changed into Cooking Classes. Here's hoping Hogwarts can stand through THIS latest catastrophe...
1. Potions Problems

Alright, alright, okay, okay!

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Because my story was removed for 'grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors', which, coincidently, never were present in this fic at ANY time, I'm willing to give FFnet the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were aiming for the crude, stupid, unintelligable story _next_ to mine.

All that aside, as I said last time, this fic was for a challenge fic that I can't find anymore, so if you recognize this as a response to your challenge, give me a whistle and I'll dedicate it the fic to you by name instead of being all vague like this.

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Disclaimer: HP not owned here

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Severus Snape could honestly say he had never been more furious then when he saw the powdered Billywig strings going into the cauldron.

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The double second year potions class of Slytherins and Ravenclaws had been working on a simple concoction to kill pesky weeds. He'd paired up the students, made sure no one was working with someone from their own House.

He'd just been informing a Ravenclaw girl in excruciating detail how her brew was **far** too clumpy when he heard the words no Potion's teacher should ever hear - "Uh, I don't think we were supposed to add that now…"

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Whirling, he saw one of the Slytherins emptying a sack of powered Billywig strings into his cauldron while the boy's Ravenclaw partner was vainly telling him to wait until they had added the pureed eagle livers.

He had swooped over, the angry expression making both boys flinch, but then he'd glanced down.

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Uh-oh -

Snape had instantly ducked as the contents of this cauldron exploded. It was only made worse when the mess mixed with the half-done mixes everyone else had.

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A series of explosions later, the Potion's Classroom was an unrecognizable, steaming cave. Snape had deducted fifty points from both Slytherin and Ravenclaw - he was furious enough to give both boy's a week's worth of detention with him, during which they would be cleaning off the acidic gunk that even now was still eating away the walls.

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But now there was a worse problem. All potion's classes were canceled while Snape went to see Dumbledore. It only got worse when the Headmaster laughed and waved it off, saying something along the lines of 'Your problem, you deal with it - and be creative!'

Snape paused in his pacing of the Entrance Hall, eyes on the door that lead to the kitchens. _Creative_, eh? He'd show them 'Creative'! Snape smirked as he went to speak with the house elves.

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The next morning, every single student received a notice in the mail.

"_Attention: Since the destruction of the Potion's Classroom three days ago, all Potion's classes have been changed to Cooking Classes until repairs are completed. Each class will meet Prof. Snape in the Entrance Hall at the beginning of their scheduled class times._"

Ron Weasley shared a dumbfounded look with his friend Hermione Granger. Harry Potter just scooped more sausage onto his plate. Fred and George were sitting next to him, laughing - they had Potions/Cooking first.

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"Can you just see Snape cooking?" Fred asked.

"Wearing a big chef's hat and a frilly apron?"

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They laughed even harder after that mental image.

"Yeah, tell us how it is," Ron said.

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They had their usual morning classes, and went to lunch as usual. At lunch though, they saw something that completely killed their appetites. Fred and George were pale and spoke only in hushed tones.

"How bad was it? Did he poison you?"

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"It was…unbelievable…" Fred said reverently.

"I'll never look at him the same way again…" George agreed.

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All over the place, students were walking around with dazed expressions. Needless to say, Harry, Ron, and even Hermione were very nervous as they waited in the Entrance Hall.

Draco Malfoy was smug, alternating between comments of how cooking was low-level servant work and predictions of everyone in Gryffindor blowing up the kitchens. Snape appeared right at the bell.

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"Everyone leave your books over here-" Snape pointed with his wand, "-You won't need them."

Silently, everyone left their books in a corner of the Hall before following Snape down the stairs.


	2. Cooking Capers

Well, at least some of you guys are willing to give this less-than-Outstanding idea a chance. Thanks for the reviews!

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Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances, each wondering if Snape really was going to reveal the secret entrance to the main kitchens. But Snape walked right past the painting of fruit, instead stopping before a huge painting of a muggle seaport.

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"Before we go any farther, make sure all long hair is tied back _firmly_." Snape growled. "Without magic!"

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There was a series of gasps, and a few girls fumbled with hair ties. Meanwhile, Snape stuck his wand in the painting, hitting a red buoy back and forth.

It made a clanging noise, and the waters parted - as did the painting. It split apart and swung open, revealing a surprisingly modern looking kitchen.

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Snape made then stand as far away from the equipment as possible, and checked that every girl's hair was tied back without magic. He then stood back and sneered.

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"As this is a new class, sort of, I will lay down the law now. This is no more a matter of wands and incantations than Potions itself. In any case I expect next to none of you to even begin to grasp the great ART that is Cooking! Even fewer of you will show me any talent whatsoever. Now, as for the rules of this class - there will be NO magic used. If I catch anyone using their wand, for _any_ reason, they shall lose the privilege to possess that wand until after dinner. FURTHERMORE -"

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Snape's voice rose with each word while all his students looked at each other, clearly nervous -

"- Anyone caught fooling around shall join the others in detention who even now are dutifully scraping the walls of my Potion's Classroom clean! Is that understood?"

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Everyone gulped and nodded.

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"Alright then, everyone make groups of three!"

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Harry, Hermione, and Ron stayed together; unsurprisingly Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle stayed together as well. In the end, only poor Neville was alone.

To his great discomfort, he had to work with Snape. Snape then handed out sheets of fireproof parchment to all groups and assigned them their stations.

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"You have until the end of class to make as much as you can off these recipe sheets. Begin!"

Everyone scrambled.

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The muggle-born students did fairly well - they had a very good grasp on the basics. Everyone else tended to not understand the concept at all. As a result, people from seven different groups had their wands confiscated.

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Ron stared at the recipe sheet he was holding, blinking. Hermione was trying to figure out what 'lb' and 'Tb' stood for.

Harry, on the other hand, was well under way with the first recipe.

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"Harry, how can you understand this? It's _gibberish!_"

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"I didn't know you cooked Harry," Hermione said.

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"I had to teach myself," Harry said as he cracked eggs and began mixing them in. "At night, whenever I snuck out of the cupboard. Dudley ate everything and then some at dinner, so I had to make myself more if I wanted anything."

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"Can't you cook Hermione? I mean, you're muggle born!"

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"Uh -"

"You spent all your time studying, didn't you?" Ron threw up his hands in disgust.

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"What's wrong with that?"

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Harry sighed, just as Snape showed up on one of his 'Wand Grabbing' rounds.

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"Hmm, not bad Potter," he said as he looked in the bowl, "Just add another tablespoon of sugar."

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"Yes Professor," Harry said cheerfully as he did so.

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Snape glided off, and now both Ron and Hermione were staring and blinking.

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"Did Snape just say something nice - to HARRY?"


	3. Confusion Continues

Thanks for the reviews. Here's a new chappy for you lot, wot wot?

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Happy Fourth, ppl!

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter not owned here...and this story idea was from an old challenge fic so that's not mine either

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Meanwhile, Neville Longbottom had proved to have an supernatural talent with cooking. He used a spatula to flip pancakes with his left hand while at the same time deglazing pasta sauce with his right. He already had two pies in the oven, and one was ready to go in once there was room.

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Snape stopped by to check up on him, and he was honestly dumbfounded.

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"Mr. Longbottom, can you explain how you can cause more screw ups in one class than the rest of the school on every other day **combined** in Potions-"

Neville winced.

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"And yet be a Cooking _Prodigy_!"

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"I don't really know sir. Considering I've never really cooked at all before, I'd say it's a miracle."

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As he spoke, Neville finished with the pancakes and without really looking began sifting flour for the cookies.

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Snape sighed before moving along.

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Malfoy, on the other hand, was not doing nearly so well. After fuming for the first five minutes that he actually had to get his hands dirty, he, Crabbe, and Goyle had tried making a cake. Malfoy had decided it would be simple enough.

After the water, flour, eggs (and their shells), plus other 'ingredients' had been mixed together, he'd come across the great idea that they'd bake an ice-cream cake. So after eating a lot of the ice cream, they mixed the remaining ice cream in the batter, poured it into a pan, and stuck it in the broiler.

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"See, it's hotter so it'll get done faster," Malfoy said.

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Goyle and Crabbe just nodded stupidly. They passed the time insulting the groups near them, until a peculiar smell drew everyone's attention to their oven. Snape swooped over as Crabbe pulled out the blackened, steaming mess their cake had become.

It made a sound like a deflating balloon when it was dumped onto a plate.

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One station over, Ron spluttered, "What is that - that _monstrosity?_"

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Malfoy sneered at Ron while Goyle and Crabbe eagerly cut themselves pieces.

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"It's a private recipe. Only the Malfoy family knows how to make something as excellent as this will be."

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Goyle and Crabbe each took a huge bite. They turned green and passed out a second later. Snape closely examined a section of cake.

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"Congratulations, Mr. Malfoy," he said in his usual sarcastic manner, "You've managed to recreate the world's deadliest poison with eggs, flour, salt, and dill weed."

A lot of students giggled.

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Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you saw it, Snape had plenty of antidotes on him. Crabbe and Goyle, still very much alive, were shipped to the Hospital Wing as the class ended.

Snape also took Malfoy's wand, ignoring any and all protests about Charms being next, and threw everyone out of the kitchen.

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At dinner, there was a long line of students going to the teacher's table to retrieve their wands. It was very embarrassing for them, since the entire school could now see exactly who they were. 

But what really took the cake was when Malfoy made his way up front.

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Every single person he passed covered their food and cried, "Ah, no! Don't _poison_ me!" Malfoy's normally pale complexion was a flaming red by the time he reached Snape.

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And it didn't stop there. After he'd grabbed his wand, Snape made a loud announcement.

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"Mister Malfoy," he said, and the room quieted instantly. "Since it would appear you require some assistance in my class, it looks as though I shall have to give you a personal instructor."

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Snape looked around and his sneer somehow got even bigger.

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"Mr. Longbottom? Would you be so kind as to help Mr. Malfoy during the rest of our cooking classes?"

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Neville swallowed, and bravely said, "Yes Professor," while in the background a lot of people were laughing into their sleeves. If it was possible, Malfoy got even redder.

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The next few cooking classes passed in a more orderly manner. More people remembered to use water instead of their wands to put out fires, Hermione had figured out 'lb' and 'Tb' and was now capable of making scrambled eggs on her own, and Draco had managed - with a lot of help from his _very_ nervous instructor - to make a single chocolate chip cookie.

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The other eleven had burst into rainbow-colored flames upon contact with the air outside the oven, and the sole surviving cookie tasted strongly of garlic and chalk, but it **looked** like a cookie, and for Draco Malfoy, that was a pretty big improvement.


	4. Finishment Folly

Oh well. I guess some fics just aren't meant to be as popular as others. Circle of life and all that.

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This is the last chapter, **plus** I've added the original challenge this was created to answer at the bottom. I don't even know if the contact information is accurate, but there you go. Like I said before, if you recognize it let me know, okay? Alrighty then.

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Happy reading!

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not owned by me

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One Monday, Snape had to leave Hogwarts for a whole week on secret Order of the Phoenix/Death Eater business. That meant that for the rest of the week, teachers with free time would act as substitute Cooking Professors.

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Interestingly, all the professors made free time to teach cooking, although the results were pretty weird.

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After Madam Hooch's classes, all four Quidditch teams spent an entire day retrieving the hundreds of dozens of Snitch-shaped meringue cookies. Most students figured the cookies were trying to escape because they didn't want to be eaten.

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All the food Professor McGonagall's classes made tasted bitter, no matter how much sugar you put into the recipes. In contrast, when Professor Trelawney braved the 'Terrors of the Mundane' to teach Cooking, all the food ended up being weirdly fluffy and hollow, no matter what it was supposed to be.

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Professor Sprout's attempt at spaghetti was particularly interesting: it grew to about a third of the size of the Great Hall, forced its way out of the kitchens, and engulfed most of the first floor and dungeons - and their occupants - in its greasy, sticky tomato sauce and noodles.

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The staff had to cancel classes for a few days while they evacuated the Slytherin Dormitories.

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As for the Spaghetti, it was eventually lured outside the school and into a large box. Munching happily on the deluxe-size gnome-meat meatballs Hagrid had found in Knockturn Alley, the Spaghetti barely noticed as it was locked away.

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While everyone else got to work making Hogwarts livable again, Hagrid drove the wagon off the school grounds, in theory to go and destroy the horrible Spaghetti Monster.

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But a few students would later note how Hagrid had swung around to the Forbidden Forest at the last second. Plus, later in the year you'd find him carrying enormous buckets filled with meatballs into the woods almost every day until the end of the school year…and sometimes Hagrid came back splattered in tomato sauce.

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When Harry, Ron, and Hermione confronted him about that, though, Hagrid waved their concerns away.

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"I just need ta get Squishy trained up a bit more, and she'll make a fine protector for the school," Hagrid chuckled at them, "Little Squishy does love her meatballs…I think she might have a few kits before next winter, too."

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For the remaining class before Snape's return, Dumbledore stepped in to take charge. Most of the students were getting pretty good at cooking - with the exception of Neville, who was already great, and Draco, who was still having some problems - but Dumbledore was in a league of his own.

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With no effort he made a full-sized Dragon Pot Roast. This was very mysterious, since he had used salt, pepper, a single green onion, and a drop of vinegar to create his delicious masterpiece. 

Curious students left off cooking for themselves and kept asking the Headmaster to cook certain objects, for amazing results:

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Stirring water, leeks, and bread crumbs in a bowl resulted in chocolate fudge mousse.

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Simmering a whole potato in milk in a covered pan on the stove for a few moments ended up being a double portion of Eggs Benedict.

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One Hufflepuff managed - with a lot of nudging from her friends - to ask for Dumbledore's help in baking an ice cube. Obligingly, the Headmaster stuck the ice cube in a baking pan, and then placed the pan into one of the larger ovens.

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Less than five minutes later, he pulled out a five-tier wedding cake, complete with white frosting, beautiful pink sugar flowers for decoration, and a little plastic bride and groom on the top.

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Luckily for everyone's sanity, Snape returned the next day. That was the end of cooking classes, though, for Snape had found the one substance capable of nullifying the acid still eating away the remnants of his classroom - powered Billywig strings mixed into the tomato sauce from Squishy.

Hagrid supplied Snape with barrels of sauce, losing his hearing whenever someone wondered where he'd gotten so much sauce, and overnight the potions classroom was restored. As was the balance in the universe.

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Just as long as you ignored the occasional Snitch cookie zipping around, anyway.

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_Like I said up top, here is the original challege if you recognize it/want to take a crack at it yourself. Bear in mind that its NOT mine and I don't remember whose it is, all right? _

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**The Cooking Challenge**

Okay here goes nothing, I'm writing a challenge out there to anyone that wishes to respond to it. This is going to be the challenge and then I'm going to have a response fic to it at the bottom as like an example. The example ficcie won't be very big an people who want to respond can use bits and pieces of it to fit their stories but don't have to.

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Now I'm going to give the "Rules" if anyone wants to right a response fic to this just try and follow as many as possible the only strict part is the first rule the rest can be altered slightly on the writer's whim. P.S. Anyone who writes anything to this challenge put your name on the review area or at my e-mail address ( the one on my user i.d. isn't working) 'cause I'd like to read them. Understood? O.k. now let's get into the Rules.

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** RULES **

1. A. Severus decides after some terrible marks/mess up made in his potions class wrecking his dungeons that since his classes all seem to have so much trouble with simple potion instructions he'll borrow the kitchens and give all of his classes 'muggle' cooking lessons. ( I'm going to pretend that wizards and stuff use the same types of measurements for potion ingredients as a muggle would with cooking ingredients but it's not a necessity) There must be some way of him trying to make it seem like a punishment for them. B. The B option for this is that there still is some disaster that wrecks his dungeons but when he complains about it to Dumbledore he is told he can 'Be creative' and that the kitchens were always open for some more 'help' and Severus decides to temporarily turn potions into a cooking class and ALL potions students must participate.

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2. Harry must still be included in the story somehow, he cannot be completely ignored but can still be more of a minor part.

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3. They must at some point try baking an ice cream cake (and yes, I did say 'bake)

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4. Severus must take on the extremes he is either an amazing cook or knows nothing about cooking and just thought that a muggle thing so similar to potions in his mind couldn't be that hard.

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5. Neville and Draco will be partnered, Neville will end up actually being really good at cooking and Draco well ... let's say he's never lowered himself to such mundane muggle chores before. (Can lead into a Draco / Neville friendship or understanding of how Neville feels in potions)

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6. Something must end up turning into a monster that will attack the school and then be stopped somehow and become Hagrid's new 'pet.

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7. I can't think of anymore rules to put here without completely stifing people's originality of answering this fic, so I will give one final suggestion. The rest of the teacher's seem to be curious of all the fun people have been having in cooking and decide to join in. I could see Dumbledore being only able to make sweets even when the ingredients couldn't possibly make something like that. ( Soya sauce, rice and pepper making some mochi sweet cakes etc..)

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_There used to be an sample piece for this fic, but I didn't copy it. So that's all, folks!_


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